He finally arrived , I was waiting for him inside the cafe at the station. He had trouble navigating his way to the cafe but he was there finally.
With shopping bags and bag of documents in his hands he came in with arms wide open and well there were other people but who cares. I ran to him and the next thing I was in his embrace. “Were you lost?” I said as we walked to the table, he replied ” no just had trouble navigating, not a train person I prefer driving myself to places I want to go. So these stations are absolutely unfamiliar spaces” putting the bags down.
I ran my hand over his cheek and pulled it ” whaaaattt?” he said , “now that you finally trimmed I just felt like doing it..” he smiled ” you look hot” he laughed , ” I won’t be able to do this for a long time now. Once you take off for New Zealand. You are so bad.”
I said pulling my hand back. He took my hand in his, ” you seriously have no idea how much I will miss you” he said caressing my hand, ” you’ll travel in the cargo” I smiled “..because Abhinay you’re such a dog” he laughed completing my sentence. “Do you want to have something..” he started listing options from the menu ” they’ve burgers, wraps.. they’ve started serving pizzas too.” “I am done here..” I said pointing at the cold blue with straw and crushed ice in front of me ” you see I emptied the contents of this container not so long ago so I am not really hungry”.
“So how long we’re gonna sit in this cafe?” He asked ” let’s go some place else”, ” sure” i said. “I’ll just drop this stuff home and then we can drive around somewhere close to your place there’s really good places around there.” He said, ” Yeah sounds good”.
So we boarded the train and 45 mins later we got off , ” I’ll pick my scooter from a friends place near by, let me call a cab for you and I’ll meet you at the place you’ve picked for us eat at.” ” I am coming with you” I said, ” It’s really hot out there, you take the cab I’ll come in no time.” ” I wasn’t asking you, I was telling you I am coming with you”
Stepping out of the station I realised it really was “really hot out there” , he looked at me “do you want to reconsider? ” “What? Taking a cab. Maybe a little but not without you. Although it’s a bit hot but whatever.” ” Why on earth are you so stubborn?” ” shut up and walk”. On our way to the parking we were talking about stuff , he said “Someday these shopping bags would be groceries , that we’ll buy for our home. I’ll hold the bags in one hand..” ” and I’ll hold the other hand” I said completing his sentence, “Well you could’ve done that now too but these bags..” he said. I just laughed at that. Other days I just shrug off these plans about future I mean I am a realist I like to believe that these are just momentary thoughts, not that I don’t love him I do I love him a lot and I know he’s really serious about this, but more than anything I can’t lose my best friend to a relationship. I’ve been here before nothing stays the same after the break up. I can’t blame the person who has held me when I fell, stayed up late trying to fix my broken heart and wiping my tears, the person I ran to when I ran away from everything and everyone else, for my heartbreak if we don’t work. I mean it’s one thing to be in love and another to be together. The latter is a bit complicated. But today I see him slipping away I mean I can’t run to him for a very long time when I run from everything, he’s always a call away but it’s not the same as staying a mile away from my apartment and showing up the next morning because the night before I texted ” I am upset”.
Now I stand looking at him as he’s reversing the scooter. The scooter is stuck at the platform built I pull it from behind , before getting on it I thought it was safe to tell him “I’m scared of riding scooters” , he looked at me with eyes wide open ” that’s a strange thing to be scared of” he laughed , ” shut up, I met with an accident when I was ridding with my dadu as a kid. The scooter lost balance and we fell in the middle of the road with cars driving past. We were terribly injured.” ” I’ll drive safely, you won’t get hurt” he smiled, I sat behind him and as soon as we started off I clutched his t-shirt tightly from both sides ” I can tell you’re really scared, by how you’re holding my t-shirt “, ” very nice now focus on the road” at every turn I would go like “eeehhhhhhh”
Every speed breaker would make me go like “aaggghhhhhh” ” I’ve seen people less scared on a roller coaster than you’re sitting on a scooter, come on now it’s too much I’m driving on the side of the road, as slow as I can…” ” don’t talk while driving”. He laughed, we finally arrived to his apartment we parked the scooter in the the basement took the elevator I got off at the ground floor he went to 7th to keep his shopping bags. 5 minutes later he came running down the stairs. I booked a cab on our way to the gate and he went to get a cigarette, we waited for the cab as he took a drag and then long puffs of the cigarette trying to finish it before the cab arrived, we were talking about the old times and then he told me about his friends having taken most of his old clothes, his Steve Madden shoes and well his priced protein shakes. I looked at him in silence, ” where’s our cab?” he asked me ” 2 mins from here, I’ll call the driver wait” . Next thing we’re sitting in our cab , he holds my hand and looks at me ” you know I can read palms” he says ” really? ” I laugh , because I know what’s coming. “yeah. Wait do you think I’m joking?”. “Not at all ” I say, ” Cool, you see all these lines, you see they are all coming in my direction you know what that means?” ” Nah I am waiting for you to tell me?” , ” it means that you’re mine, and that I’m what your future boyfriend looks like and I’ll be the man you’ll walk down the aisle with” ” ohhh really does it mean that?” ” of course , you think I’ll lie to you” ” Not at all” I laugh.
We arrive at the diner, and take our seats. “Aren’t you hungry?” He asked “a little” I said ” why don’t we order something first and then talk.”He says , we order two burgers the only food item that inevitably is consumed by my clothes when it is ordered with Heath Ledger like joker extended smile painted on my face because of the mayo and sauce. Abhinay never gets embarrassed of this he in fact loves to look at me eating.
Just like every time the filling falls on my clothes before I can figure it out he picks it up and wipes my dress with a tissue. Once I’m done he looks at me with a tissue in his hands he wipes my face and just gives that smile that says “silly girl”. He had been secretly clicking pictures of me talking, eating, that stupid extended sauce and mayo smile until it caught my attention.
Once we’re done we start talking he’s interested in amazing stuff Theories of quantum physics, Bhagwad Gita, Poetry by Harivansh Rai Bachchan, and here’s the catch this guy is a programmer he says ” we live in a golden age I could be lying in my boxers and I can change the world with my laptop, most people don’t realise that’s how little it takes to change everything”. Imagine a guy like that in all seriousness telling you how much you mean to him, how he feels about you and how you don’t have to answer right then, he doesn’t want you to commit he just wants you to know all of it because he didn’t want to keep in inside of him and think later he could’ve but he didn’t say it. Imagine someone like that putting his hand on your cheek telling you – I believe in you blindly, and if you ever want to do something, anything I’ll always be there supporting you in it with all that I’ve because I know you can do anything you want to. He knows I’m scared of getting my heart broken again and I want to achieve certain things in life and I’ve no place for such commitments, he just doesn’t want anything from me. He just wants to stay in my life and just wants me to be in his. He tells me to take my time.
The only thing I think of right now is his words getting under my skin, believing all of the things he said holding my hands in his, getting convinced by them and then losing him and later thinking “Love was there at my door, knocking softly, waiting on me and it waited in the fall, under the summer sun blazing over its head, in the rain storm, it kept waiting with all it had until it couldn’t anymore. I kept it waiting and one day it left to never knock again , not even as an old friend.”
He says nothing is going to change over the years and me being me, I never take him on his word for that. I always tell him ” we’ll see if you still stand by that when the time comes.” I like to keep my feet on the ground. I don’t want to get hurt and he knows it. He knows I like to keep my gaurds high.
I’m not scared of losing him to someone, I’m scared of losing him to myself.
His flight takes of at 10 in the morning tomorrow. I’ll miss him.