The girl next door (#65)

Hi Best friend ,

I had a request to make. My birthday is approaching and I don’t want you to write a birthday post for me, put our picture as your DP. I want you to sleep before midnight, and if you’re awake don’t send me a birthday text, or a call. I don’t want you to buy me gifts, save that money for something better instead.

You may wonder why?

Any of it won’t make me happy. You’ve not been a good best friend.

I am dazed by your ignorance, you love saying ” ignorance is bliss” no wonder it is. I used to shrug off the fact that things are going downhill each time you told me otherwise I believed your version of ‘us’. The version that was doing well, where there’s nothing wrong. Basically,feigning everything’s fine even when it’s a rubble.

I can’t go about doing that. I don’t want to know whether I’m important you ?, if I’m a priority or not? I know the answers to these things.

Actions speak louder than words. Your words mean nothing if your actions don’t align with them.

If the only time you’re going to acknowledge my existence is when you see me walking on road in your direction ( making it absolutely impossible for you to avoid me). I don’t want this acknowledgement.

Also this year I’d not be making any cards for you.

Why?

You know all the cards I make aren’t just pieces of papers with beautiful writing and cut outs for me. They are a feeling. You have little by little killed that feeling. You’ve made everything so meaningless for me that I really want you to tear away every card I ever made for you sheet by sheet.

All the things I wrote, have become hazy their meaning has faded like the bond we had.

How dare you make me cry? , How dare you make my cards seem like meaningless pieces of paper to me?

You’ve made me feel that my words are better unsaid, unwritten and feelings unexpressed.

As much as I love the old you, I hate the you, you’ve become.

So this birthday no wishes, no midnight calls, no cards and no gifts.

© Samridhi Dutta.

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The girl next door (#64)

Nostalgia

You know why I like him so much because he doesn’t have to say good things to make me feel good. He doesn’t have to tell me I’m beautiful he makes me feel so.

If he’s there things seem a little easier to deal with, I don’t have to ask him for anything he just knows.

He knows what my quiet means, any one can interpret my words but he knows my silence. Like you he also despises it, somehow he doesn’t like you a lot because you’re why I’m quiet.

There’s him who’s drunk but calling me up at 11:30 PM because my text read – “I’m upset”. He’s not a man of words but actions.

After 45 minutes and 12 seconds and approximately 25 topics we talk about our dreams.

“We dream the same dream” I say.

He laughs ” I want to say something but I’ll sound super cheesy”

“Go ahead,say it ?”

” I’ll say what I always tell you- we’re perfect for each other”

I pause , I think of you.

” I’m not worth it, I’m not good enough for you. I’m not good enough for anyone.” I tell him.

” Are you kidding me?” He snaps at me from the other side.

” It’s how it is, trust me I’m not the person for you. You deserve better than me. I’m not that good.”

“Are you fucking serious? I’m the one who’s drunk, why are you talking crap?. Trust me you don’t know your self well enough to say you’re not good.”

I say nothing, your face flashes right before me. Things you used to say when I’d belittle my self echo in my ears. Your scolding me. I shrug it off.

“I know nothing, I’m an idiot”

” Do you really hear yourself when you say all of it? Would you please stop belittling yourself? Why don’t you get it – You’re a wonderful person you need no one’s not even your own approval to that because that’s a well established fact and you saying anything otherwise wouldn’t change it. “

I sit quietly, hearing him out not believing him. You see I once believed this guy, this one guy and I screwed up.

“Are you there?” He says.

” Yes, where else would I be.”

©Samridhi Dutta

The girl next door (#63)

Untold


Awake?

Yes.

Can I say something to you?

Yes. When did you ever have to seek permission to say what you wanted to before. Go on say it ?

Yea, I didn’t have to seek permissions because the difference of age was never a divide. It is now. I feel I need to think through, speaking from my heart without edits, calling you up at any time of the day isn’t the right way. There’s a certain way, there’s a certain tone, a certain time, a certain place, certain words and sentences that need to be carefully placed together so that I don’t end up disrespecting you.

I know I’m making a big deal out of it. But trust me I’m not comfortable any more I can’t be myself around you anymore and that’s why I hate you, also I so feel I embarrass you.

Infact today when I called you, I only called because I said I will call you when I get done with my work. On my way home I called you up. But I prayed that you don’t pick it up because I didn’t know what to say if you answered the call.

Yesterday, when you called I answered at an instant because I thought we’ll never speak to each other again. I was partially angry with you, and partially missing you. But for most part I was angry and upset.

I didn’t know how to react exactly when you called I was overwhelmed with an ocean of different emotions to drown in at the same time.

I was crying, getting mad at you and laughing at the same time.

Yet, right now I sit juggling with the idea of whether or not I should text you and ask you how you’re doing.

I know you’re here for probably a day or two and then you’ll be gone.

I don’t know if I should speak to you throughout these days or just once in a very long while.

I really don’t know.

I’m really concerned about questions like – What will he think of me?

How will it appear?

What would I come across as?

Would I come across as *insert something apt*?

So,I don’t text you because I don’t happen to have the answers yet. Your chat head remains open and text box empty.

© Samridhi Dutta

The girl next door (#62)

First  Day 

Your first day at college should be tomorrow,

I say”should be ” because I don’t exactly know, 

I assume you’d be reading this from your hostel room. If you still receive a mail each time I post, which means if you’re still following my writings.

Of course I could always text you but I won’t. You can hate me I won’t even say ” please don’t hate me”.

I’ve been a bad person.

“I don’t care” is a false statement and ” I do care” is an understatement.

I can always text you but I won’t, I walked out and shut the door behind me. I don’t regret it,but I’m not very happy about it either.

I don’t know what you had to say, what you have to say, you won’t say it. Again you can always text but you won’t.

Why? Let me guess – I left , I shut the door behind me. I walked away.

You’ve lost breath so many times, coming behind me. I didn’t honestly expect you’d come this time, so I really didn’t wait and for some reason I thought me leaving was the best parting gift I could give to you.

But You didn’t even say goodbye. That’s okay I don’t blame you, I deserve all of it. I don’t wait for my phone to ring ,  I can always call. I won’t.

I know I’m not at the best of my behaviours. But does that matter? 

You couldn’t see through it last time. I don’t expect you to do it this time.

I know I’ve made a mess.

I can also figure that you’re tired of cleaning up. I didn’t wait for you to come and help me this time. I packed my mess when I left. I took it with me.

I remember you’ve OCD  so I couldn’t have left behind a messy place, it’d have made you so mad. 

I know I make you mad all the time,you’re kind to let it slide. You spoilt me. I never thought I had to follow a code of conduct around you, I said whatever came to me.

 You said I could be mad at you without thinking twice. I’m sorry I didn’t know it had a ” star mark” – “asterix” as you’d have corrected me. Terms and conditions you can be your self but under the following XYZ circumstances you need to not be yourself so much.

I know I’m an embarrassment to carry , I didn’t want you to carry any of me to college with you. I don’t want to be around to cause you trouble , ( I’m aassuming you’ll read this entire thing till the end and getting mad at me – this time for belittling myself). But lets accept it . I’m a mess , I give you headache and cause you trouble.

There’s not one thing I do right, and lately I don’t even apologise a lot.

I just wanted to say –

It’s your first day at college ( probably) 

You’d already have met your roommate ( probably)

You’re not the person who sits and waits for things to happen he goes out there and makes it happen.

So make your time in college the most happening time of your life.

Don’t let me cross your mind as a random thought, if I do. 

Shrug me off, 

I’ll not miss you ( I won’t promise, I don’t promise things I know I’ll not be able to keep)  and I’ll miss you ( is an understatement).

You’ll cross my mind. I’ll just write about you and shrug it off.

I can always call but I won’t.

I can always text but I won’t.

I know it’s not right, but I just won’t.
© Samridhi Dutta

The girl next door(#61)

Born again

“Slow Death or Quick ?” Asked my demons.

” Another day ” I replied

” I’ve died at nights and come alive at morning,

Mourned over the death of who I was a day before and cheerfully welcomed another me with the break of the dawn.

I’ve survived with a broken heart, when my breaths were just cold sighs. I’ve survived the hollow in my chest, the sinking feeling in my gut.

I’ve survived, I’ve survived dying every night to be born again next morning.

Quick death or slow, I’ll give this one to you.

Just give me another day.

With the break of dawn, I’ll be born again.”

©Samridhi Dutta

The girl next door (#60)

You’re right 

I’m not going to stand before you and justify my actions, my words, my tone,my pitch.

I’d apologize, but not beg for forgiveness.

I didn’t mean to offend you, but that just doesn’t mean it was right if I did.

I was wrong, so were you.

Just one conversation out of a thousand, where you thought I wasn’t at the best of my behaviour.

I don’t care,

At least not any more.

I don’t have to justify if I respect you or not,there’s no justification for whether or not you respect a person.

It’s felt, if it’s there.

It’s not felt, if it isn’t.

If you don’t feel it, probably you’re right.

If I were you, I’d not stay.

I’d walk out on such a person, 

Who has no respect for me.

If I were you, I’d walk out on me.

So I’ll hold the door open, and wait until you leave.

I’m sure I don’t respect you,

There’s none you can see in my eyes.

There’s none I can make feel.

If you don’t feel it, probably you’re right.


©Samridhi Dutta.

The girl next door (#59)

They hadn’t spoken to each other  for days at a stretch, his phone beeped- 

Her-” Did I tell you ,I’m scared of the dark.”

Him-” No , what happened?”

Her-“Just saying. I was entering my room it was pitch black so the first thing that I did, I always do.I extended my hand and switched lights on before I entered.

I don’t know, I’m such a kid. I think it’s time I grew up for real.”

Him-” Hey kiddo, you know what I like about you the most?” 

Her– “What?”

Him-” That you’re rare, you’re so innocent so pure to fit in the adult world. Trust me you’re much better the way you are. You don’t need to adult. Don’t grow up.”

Her-” And what about being scared of darkness? That’s plain stupid for someone my age.”

Him– “Well then I’m glad at least something scares you I mean you were the first girl I know to hold lizards in her hand, call rats cute and be ready to play with almost any animal on 4 legs, loves reptiles and wants to have a lion cub as her future pet. 

I think by those standards if you actually find ghosts that lurk in the darkness waiting to rip you off scary as you enter a dark room ,it’s totally fine.” 

Her– “WOW, you definitely didn’t need to say the last lurking in darkness waiting to rip me off thing. I was kind of enjoying the description of how unique I am. Anyway..”

Him– “Anyway..?”

Her-” Nothing, I’ll talk to you later. Bye”

Him– ” Say na?” 

Her– ” Nothing, Bye.”

Him– ” Say naaa?”

Her– ” We don’t get to talk these days. I miss you.”

Him – “I miss you too , even though we don’t talk a lot I want you to know I’m there and I’m not leaving you. We can manage time and distance that’s just some numbers.”

Her-” Yeah we can :).”

Him– ” As far as I remember your maths is super weak, so I think I’ll manage the numbers alone. Can’t risk it😂😂.”

Her– “Ha ha ha😑😒”

Him-“Will you ever finish your unfinished sentences in one go, without me having to ask you again ? ”

Her-“Never 😂. Bye.”

Him– “Bye 😘❤ ”

©Samridhi Dutta.