The girl next door (#68)

Drunk Call

You downed a quarter and made a call, as soon as I answered you said the usual,

“Hi, I’m drunk”, as if warning against all the things you’re about to say.

As if telling me – “Don’t let my words get under your skin,with the break of dawn I’ll be sober and I won’t remember any of this”.

In these moments you wear vulnerability as your second skin.

It’s as if with every sip of that rum, your facade has faded.

The alcohol in your system makes you spill secrets that you’ve been hiding for so long.

You end up making confessions, that you otherwise won’t have.

You end up telling me how you imagine me sitting beside you while talking to me,

How my hearing my voice gives you peace,

How you don’t know whether you’ll be living long enough to see me.

How in the limited time you’ve got, you want me to know the other day when we were returning home after a date you wanted to kiss me but did not.

In these moments I knew,

Ours was a story

Written drunk,and never read again.

©Samridhi Dutta


The girl next door (#67)

Damsel without a Knight

The damsel now held a dagger,

She didn’t need a knight to save her,

In face of the darkness,

That thought it could tame her.

When the darkness lured,

She whispered to it,

“I am everything you can’t have”.

She had light underneath her skin

And magic in her bones.

The darkness felt a strong blow,

She had put a crack in its pride,

There was light coming through.

It tried again with all its might,

Said to her

“What’s a damsel without her knight?

A fragile pair of hands holing a dagger?”

“No, she’s just stronger”

She said and smiled.

The darkness stood baffled and bewildered,

At her response,

Felt torn into pieces all at once,

There was no darkness, only light,

There was a damsel, without a knight.

©Samridhi Dutta

The girl next door(#66)


I rose, the sky turned pink,

I shined, I lit the sky up.

It was bright blue,

I was blazing by noon,

And then I calmed down.

It was time for your arrival,

I set , the sky turned slightly mauve, then indigo before the alluring darkness took over.

I decorated it with sparkles,

And then you appeared dressed in serene white.

I knew you’re the one.

The only time we ever meet is for eclipses.

We’re always with each other,

but never seen together.

©Samridhi Dutta

The girl next door (#65)

Hi Best friend ,

I had a request to make. My birthday is approaching and I don’t want you to write a birthday post for me, put our picture as your DP. I want you to sleep before midnight, and if you’re awake don’t send me a birthday text, or a call. I don’t want you to buy me gifts, save that money for something better instead.

You may wonder why?

Any of it won’t make me happy. You’ve not been a good best friend.

I am dazed by your ignorance, you love saying ” ignorance is bliss” no wonder it is. I used to shrug off the fact that things are going downhill each time you told me otherwise I believed your version of ‘us’. The version that was doing well, where there’s nothing wrong. Basically,feigning everything’s fine even when it’s a rubble.

I can’t go about doing that. I don’t want to know whether I’m important you ?, if I’m a priority or not? I know the answers to these things.

Actions speak louder than words. Your words mean nothing if your actions don’t align with them.

If the only time you’re going to acknowledge my existence is when you see me walking on road in your direction ( making it absolutely impossible for you to avoid me). I don’t want this acknowledgement.

Also this year I’d not be making any cards for you.


You know all the cards I make aren’t just pieces of papers with beautiful writing and cut outs for me. They are a feeling. You have little by little killed that feeling. You’ve made everything so meaningless for me that I really want you to tear away every card I ever made for you sheet by sheet.

All the things I wrote, have become hazy their meaning has faded like the bond we had.

How dare you make me cry? , How dare you make my cards seem like meaningless pieces of paper to me?

You’ve made me feel that my words are better unsaid, unwritten and feelings unexpressed.

As much as I love the old you, I hate the you, you’ve become.

So this birthday no wishes, no midnight calls, no cards and no gifts.

© Samridhi Dutta.

The girl next door (#64)


You know why I like him so much because he doesn’t have to say good things to make me feel good. He doesn’t have to tell me I’m beautiful he makes me feel so.

If he’s there things seem a little easier to deal with, I don’t have to ask him for anything he just knows.

He knows what my quiet means, any one can interpret my words but he knows my silence. Like you he also despises it, somehow he doesn’t like you a lot because you’re why I’m quiet.

There’s him who’s drunk but calling me up at 11:30 PM because my text read – “I’m upset”. He’s not a man of words but actions.

After 45 minutes and 12 seconds and approximately 25 topics we talk about our dreams.

“We dream the same dream” I say.

He laughs ” I want to say something but I’ll sound super cheesy”

“Go ahead,say it ?”

” I’ll say what I always tell you- we’re perfect for each other”

I pause , I think of you.

” I’m not worth it, I’m not good enough for you. I’m not good enough for anyone.” I tell him.

” Are you kidding me?” He snaps at me from the other side.

” It’s how it is, trust me I’m not the person for you. You deserve better than me. I’m not that good.”

“Are you fucking serious? I’m the one who’s drunk, why are you talking crap?. Trust me you don’t know your self well enough to say you’re not good.”

I say nothing, your face flashes right before me. Things you used to say when I’d belittle my self echo in my ears. Your scolding me. I shrug it off.

“I know nothing, I’m an idiot”

” Do you really hear yourself when you say all of it? Would you please stop belittling yourself? Why don’t you get it – You’re a wonderful person you need no one’s not even your own approval to that because that’s a well established fact and you saying anything otherwise wouldn’t change it. “

I sit quietly, hearing him out not believing him. You see I once believed this guy, this one guy and I screwed up.

“Are you there?” He says.

” Yes, where else would I be.”

©Samridhi Dutta

The girl next door (#63)




Can I say something to you?

Yes. When did you ever have to seek permission to say what you wanted to before. Go on say it ?

Yea, I didn’t have to seek permissions because the difference of age was never a divide. It is now. I feel I need to think through, speaking from my heart without edits, calling you up at any time of the day isn’t the right way. There’s a certain way, there’s a certain tone, a certain time, a certain place, certain words and sentences that need to be carefully placed together so that I don’t end up disrespecting you.

I know I’m making a big deal out of it. But trust me I’m not comfortable any more I can’t be myself around you anymore and that’s why I hate you, also I so feel I embarrass you.

Infact today when I called you, I only called because I said I will call you when I get done with my work. On my way home I called you up. But I prayed that you don’t pick it up because I didn’t know what to say if you answered the call.

Yesterday, when you called I answered at an instant because I thought we’ll never speak to each other again. I was partially angry with you, and partially missing you. But for most part I was angry and upset.

I didn’t know how to react exactly when you called I was overwhelmed with an ocean of different emotions to drown in at the same time.

I was crying, getting mad at you and laughing at the same time.

Yet, right now I sit juggling with the idea of whether or not I should text you and ask you how you’re doing.

I know you’re here for probably a day or two and then you’ll be gone.

I don’t know if I should speak to you throughout these days or just once in a very long while.

I really don’t know.

I’m really concerned about questions like – What will he think of me?

How will it appear?

What would I come across as?

Would I come across as *insert something apt*?

So,I don’t text you because I don’t happen to have the answers yet. Your chat head remains open and text box empty.

© Samridhi Dutta

The girl next door (#62)

First  Day 

Your first day at college should be tomorrow,

I say”should be ” because I don’t exactly know, 

I assume you’d be reading this from your hostel room. If you still receive a mail each time I post, which means if you’re still following my writings.

Of course I could always text you but I won’t. You can hate me I won’t even say ” please don’t hate me”.

I’ve been a bad person.

“I don’t care” is a false statement and ” I do care” is an understatement.

I can always text you but I won’t, I walked out and shut the door behind me. I don’t regret it,but I’m not very happy about it either.

I don’t know what you had to say, what you have to say, you won’t say it. Again you can always text but you won’t.

Why? Let me guess – I left , I shut the door behind me. I walked away.

You’ve lost breath so many times, coming behind me. I didn’t honestly expect you’d come this time, so I really didn’t wait and for some reason I thought me leaving was the best parting gift I could give to you.

But You didn’t even say goodbye. That’s okay I don’t blame you, I deserve all of it. I don’t wait for my phone to ring ,  I can always call. I won’t.

I know I’m not at the best of my behaviours. But does that matter? 

You couldn’t see through it last time. I don’t expect you to do it this time.

I know I’ve made a mess.

I can also figure that you’re tired of cleaning up. I didn’t wait for you to come and help me this time. I packed my mess when I left. I took it with me.

I remember you’ve OCD  so I couldn’t have left behind a messy place, it’d have made you so mad. 

I know I make you mad all the time,you’re kind to let it slide. You spoilt me. I never thought I had to follow a code of conduct around you, I said whatever came to me.

 You said I could be mad at you without thinking twice. I’m sorry I didn’t know it had a ” star mark” – “asterix” as you’d have corrected me. Terms and conditions you can be your self but under the following XYZ circumstances you need to not be yourself so much.

I know I’m an embarrassment to carry , I didn’t want you to carry any of me to college with you. I don’t want to be around to cause you trouble , ( I’m aassuming you’ll read this entire thing till the end and getting mad at me – this time for belittling myself). But lets accept it . I’m a mess , I give you headache and cause you trouble.

There’s not one thing I do right, and lately I don’t even apologise a lot.

I just wanted to say –

It’s your first day at college ( probably) 

You’d already have met your roommate ( probably)

You’re not the person who sits and waits for things to happen he goes out there and makes it happen.

So make your time in college the most happening time of your life.

Don’t let me cross your mind as a random thought, if I do. 

Shrug me off, 

I’ll not miss you ( I won’t promise, I don’t promise things I know I’ll not be able to keep)  and I’ll miss you ( is an understatement).

You’ll cross my mind. I’ll just write about you and shrug it off.

I can always call but I won’t.

I can always text but I won’t.

I know it’s not right, but I just won’t.
© Samridhi Dutta