Your first day at college should be tomorrow,
I say”should be ” because I don’t exactly know,
I assume you’d be reading this from your hostel room. If you still receive a mail each time I post, which means if you’re still following my writings.
Of course I could always text you but I won’t. You can hate me I won’t even say ” please don’t hate me”.
I’ve been a bad person.
“I don’t care” is a false statement and ” I do care” is an understatement.
I can always text you but I won’t, I walked out and shut the door behind me. I don’t regret it,but I’m not very happy about it either.
I don’t know what you had to say, what you have to say, you won’t say it. Again you can always text but you won’t.
Why? Let me guess – I left , I shut the door behind me. I walked away.
You’ve lost breath so many times, coming behind me. I didn’t honestly expect you’d come this time, so I really didn’t wait and for some reason I thought me leaving was the best parting gift I could give to you.
But You didn’t even say goodbye. That’s okay I don’t blame you, I deserve all of it. I don’t wait for my phone to ring , I can always call. I won’t.
I know I’m not at the best of my behaviours. But does that matter?
You couldn’t see through it last time. I don’t expect you to do it this time.
I know I’ve made a mess.
I can also figure that you’re tired of cleaning up. I didn’t wait for you to come and help me this time. I packed my mess when I left. I took it with me.
I remember you’ve OCD so I couldn’t have left behind a messy place, it’d have made you so mad.
I know I make you mad all the time,you’re kind to let it slide. You spoilt me. I never thought I had to follow a code of conduct around you, I said whatever came to me.
You said I could be mad at you without thinking twice. I’m sorry I didn’t know it had a ” star mark” – “asterix” as you’d have corrected me. Terms and conditions you can be your self but under the following XYZ circumstances you need to not be yourself so much.
I know I’m an embarrassment to carry , I didn’t want you to carry any of me to college with you. I don’t want to be around to cause you trouble , ( I’m aassuming you’ll read this entire thing till the end and getting mad at me – this time for belittling myself). But lets accept it . I’m a mess , I give you headache and cause you trouble.
There’s not one thing I do right, and lately I don’t even apologise a lot.
I just wanted to say –
It’s your first day at college ( probably)
You’d already have met your roommate ( probably)
You’re not the person who sits and waits for things to happen he goes out there and makes it happen.
So make your time in college the most happening time of your life.
Don’t let me cross your mind as a random thought, if I do.
Shrug me off,
I’ll not miss you ( I won’t promise, I don’t promise things I know I’ll not be able to keep) and I’ll miss you ( is an understatement).
You’ll cross my mind. I’ll just write about you and shrug it off.
I can always call but I won’t.
I can always text but I won’t.
I know it’s not right, but I just won’t.
© Samridhi Dutta