The girl next door(#58)

I’m writing to you hoping you still read it,
Almost everything I write is an attempt to tell you what I can’t say, so I write it down. 

You- know – who -you-are,

I miss you, I really do. I know we’ve not been speaking to each other for a while now. I don’t think we’ll be.

I just want you to know I’ve somethings holding me back, binding me and limiting me. The limitations are such that even if I wanted to I can’t do a lot of things that you would rightly expect from me.

I’m sorry. I know I’m not of any help to you at this time. I don’t know if you remember but you always said – you could only do things to your limitations on different instances in different scenarios when I wanted you to do more about that particular thing, say more because I wasn’t satisfied with your stand. I’ve never  said this to you before you know I’ve never bothered and in fact gone an extra mile just so I can make things easy for you. 

I never bother about how difficult it’s going to be , if something will make you happy even if I end up exhausted emotionally, mentally I’d do it for you.

The truth is, I’ve burnt my self to be your light. I’ve exhausted my self.

I can’t , even if I wanted to help you right now I can’t.

How can I ? When I am seeking help my self. 

I need you to help me, Help you.

By not making everything seem so difficult all the time, By not making me feel that I’m responsible for “us” disintegrating into “you” and “I”.

I seek a little support, to be able to support you.

I’m going through a lot.

And I can’t turn to you, because I’ve starting feeling like there’s a lot of vacuum , it’s a strange feeling of being a stranger to a person who’s such an integral part of your life.

I’m just exhausted.

You think Sorry is a disgusting word. Don’t you?.

Probably Takes away your right to say that word to me the next time you screw up.

I don’t know what is your view of why I cried the last time we met on the street.

But let me tell you, I cried because I don’t like to see you that way .I cried because I know I’ve no right to ask you to share, I’ve not even made any effort.

I cried because I know, I’ll not be able to do anything about it. I’ll not be making any efforts even after that because I can’t.

I cried because you don’t understand things, I don’t understand things.

I cried because I know I’ll be the one who’ll not be able to stay beside you and keep her promise of  forever. 

Probably you’ll never see me in some time, you’ll never know why ?.

All I can say is I told you I’m a cameo.

I won’t last throughout the entire film.

I wish you a healthy happy life, I hope you get all the success you deserve.

I know you’ll understand me someday , accept me as I am with the imperfections and flaws, but I’d be long gone by then. The least you can do is , remember the name with the last name.

Lots of love.

©Samridhi Dutta

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The girl next door (#57)



Gone 

With every passing day ,

I see it all slipping away, 

Little by little, 

Day by day, moment by moment,

I’m trying to detach myself a little, one bit at a time, 

I’m sure till the day arrives,

 when you’ll be packing your bags ,

Getting ready, leaving in a rush to board that flight,

I’d be able to say goodbye, with a smile.

Everything I said and every thing you promised

Will be put to test,

There might be no calls, no texts, 

We’ve come this far,

and now you’ll be gone.

©Samridhi Dutta

The girl next door (#56)

Strangers


Let’s be strangers again

We used to have better conversations back then.

When we knew very little about each other.

Let’s not know so much, remember so much.

And forget all those special days, each other’s favourites, our walks together, our coffee dates, the metro rides,  the calls late night, the 3am texts, 

Let’s forget all of it 

Let the silence speak for us.

Let’s not take a step forward, 

Let’s turn around and walk away, away from each other.

Let’s not be a contact in each others phone, a name on the friends list.

Let’s not recognize a familiar face, in a  crowded place.

Let’s be like a blurred photograph in each other’s past.

Let’s struggle to recall each other’s name.

Let’s not pretend everything is still the same.

Let’s be strangers again.


©Samridhi Dutta

The girl next door (#55)

Sober

You flow inside of me in my blood,

You’ve blended in like a drug.

I’m intoxicated, on you I overdose.

I’m addicted to you, 

I crave for your love, for your touch.

You take all my love,and walk out that door.

Leave me pleading,wanting some more.

There’s something addictive, alluring,

About the love that couldn’t be had.

And now I sit , broken and scarred

With all the photographs torn, and letters charred.

A blade in my hand, I clinch my fist.

And find solace watching you flow from wrist,

I finally let go.

It’s getting harder to breathe, 

The room’s getting quiter, 

I smile as I watch you drain out of me, 

My demons smile back at me.

I’m sober finally.

Everything looks hazy, 

A tear rolls down,

I shut my eyes and

Sing my self to sleep.

My voice , fades to silence.

I no longer bleed,

I no longer breathe.

© Samridhi Dutta 

The girl next door (#54)

Like you never left

And there’s so much I want to forget ,

From the time when I used to come back home smiling , 

With the time we spent together playing like a movie on loop, it is still there in my head. 

A movie paused at your shyly smiling face, the last good memory I have of us is stuck. Still in my head.

 It’s like you never left

Your cologne , I still remember how that fragrance would follow me back home. Encircling me.

 It’s like you never left.

Your arms around me , my safe house your embrace.

The whisper in my ear , with me in your arms, still audible.

It’s like you never left.

My hand in yours as we walk in the the crowded streets , 

You holding my bag as I ran out to play in the rain.

Petrichor , brings it all back.

It’s like you never left.

Resting my head on your shoulder as you sat beside me ,

A temporary cure to my tear and breaks,

As your shoulder would share the weight,

I miss you ,

Every now and then when my head feels heavy because of the war in there,

It’s like you never left.

Even when you broke that heart,

Even when you broke those promises,

Every minute I spent standing  under the shower  trying to wash away your embrace , 

The feeling of your hand holding mine . I helplessly rubbed my hands against each other trying to get rid of it , 

Screaming at the top of my voice to silence your whispers ,

 Scared to brush my hand against yours  it might just be thought of as dropping hints,

Even when I knew you were lying, believing in it more than the truth that I already knew ,

I stayed. 

Forgiving you for the nights I slept with tears , still fresh.
And yet again , as my tears rolled down.
My existence was a question unanswered.
My worth , a value too inadequate for your affection and attention but just a matter of a few apologises.

When I took a leave , I left the last part of me that ever felt for you on that staircase.

I stayed through it all but , alas I was exhausted.

Looks like I’m not over it yet, 

You’re no where to be seen, but you’re still whispering, those sweet nothings ,

I feel nothing ,

 But a sight of you and the hollow in my chest is ice cold, my breath is all sighs, cold sighs. 

Tongue tied. Why are you here? What’s left to break ? – Hi how are you, long time ? 

I don’t love you, in my heart you hold   no place.

First love is insane, so is first heart break.

But I never wait for the phone to ring twice , when you call. Can’t help but reply when you text.

It’s like You never left.
©Samridhi Dutta.

The girl next door (#53)

Wake up 

And if for once I can go to bed without thinking about what is that I need to ideally do the next morning.  

I’ll wake up as someone I’d love to be.

I’ll wake up as me ,

 as someone out of the rat race looking for a muse .

 as someone who doesn’t need to make 3a.m calls .

I want the peace that only imperfection can provide, because perfection is a constant struggle to attain a state that has no existence because to “Err is human” . 

I’m not a people pleaser but still a big chunk of my action awaits their approval.

 In my head I’m leashed ,Even if in my expression I’m free. 

There’s always a constant struggle , as to who and what I should I ideally be.

The quotes about well behaved women and their unacommplishments , in the words of the most accomplished women of my time.

Make me wonder if I’m working on myself in the wrong direction. What if trying to be how I should  ideally be ?Isn’t the way things should be.

If for once I can go to bed not thinking about what I should ideally do the next morning , I’d wake up as some one I’d love to be.

©Samridhi Dutta

The girl next door (#52) 

Not forever

Nothing’s going to last forever,

Neither you nor me.

Forever is a long time, 

And I don’t think I’ll spend it by your side.

My love isn’t permanent, I’m sorry to say but it’ll fade someday.

And That’s absolutely okay ,

Things aren’t always supposed to stay.

And that’s how it is 

In our case.

©Samridhi Dutta